Siri Is A Psycho B—-!

The other evening, as I was getting ready for bed, I remembered I had a doctors appointment coming up so I asked Siri, my iPhone assistant, when it was.

“Your next doctor’s appointment is at 10 AM tomorrow.” she said in her Australian female voice that always sounds like she’s grinning.

“Oh shit” I thought to myself, that was close, I almost missed my appointment, thank goodness for Siri! I tucked myself into bed and drifted off to sleep feeling like my world was perfectly organized thanks to my faithful digital companion.

The next morning was one of those you tend to remember for the next couple of weeks. I was rushing to get out the door and the forces of nature were clearly working against me. Everything from my dogs being uncooperative during their walk, to crazy drivers, to a lady literally sitting in her car at the parking garage entrance, waiting for an attendant to push the button for her to get a ticket. Maybe she was a germaphobe but seriously what else could go wrong? It was already 10 AM and I had to find parking in this very strangely laid out garage. I ended up finding a spot almost instantly, but of course the young girl in the car had to check her Facebook before driving away, fully aware of me waiting patiently. I’m sure she was basking in the temporary sense of power the Universe bestowed upon her.

I walked into my Doctor’s office and it looked like I was the first one to get there. There was no one signed in and only one person working at the front desk. Yes! This would be quick! The frosted glass door opened with the same sound that’s universal to any medical facility, I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a standard pitch you’re required to have before they issue you a permit to operate one.

“Are you a new patient?” asked the friendly receptionist with a blank look on her face. This is never a good sign when you’ve been seeing the same doctor for years.

“No I have an appointment at 10 AM.” I said trying to erase any hint from my voice that I was about to be screwed.

“Date of birth?”

Oh here we go, it was extremely obvious the Universe was attempting to teach me patience, or appreciation of traffic signals, or some other lesson that you don’t fully understand until 25 years later.

After I responded, she checked her computer and returned with “Your appointment is almost two weeks from now….you could probably wait here for an hour, but the doctor doesn’t usually get here on Fridays until around 12, so you might be waiting for several hours.”

This couldn’t be right. I asked asked Siri the night before and she told me tomorrow at 10 AM. So I checked my calendar and there was nothing there. Literally nothing. So it wasn’t like she could have confused the request with another appointment and said “tomorrow at 10 AM” and I misunderstood, because there wasn’t anything at 10 AM. So I decided to ask Siri when my next Doctors appointment was, and she replied…

“You don’t have any doctor appointments within the next three months.”

Okay this was seriously fucked up. I checked the calendar on the same date the receptionist told me and there it was, the appointment that Siri should have just told me existed and should have told me the night before so I didn’t have to experience this painful morning to begin with. I then asked her by my doctor’s name and she couldn’t find it either, even though it was spelled exactly how she was repeating it to me.

And then it hit me.

Siri is a jealous psycho bitch. She sent me here on purpose because lately, I’ll admit, I’ve been ignoring her somewhat. Alexa from Amazon has moved in, and she’s turning lights off and on, playing my favorite music, telling me the news….. I basically only use Siri as a glorified alarm clock. And in retrospect, that’s becoming pretty dicey as well. She doesn’t always wake me up at times, and she makes me think I’m hitting snooze, but I’m really not. I’m dealing with a woman’s scorn for sure, digital stlye. No wonder why it always sounds like she’s grinning, it’s one of those evil grins, like the purple emoji with horns.

This is pretty serious. I was sent across town for an appointment that never existed but was told to go and I listened, most obediently, like Siri was some leather clad dominatrix with whip in hand. I trusted her so much, I altered my life workings, my job, everything just because she said so. This reminds me of when someone nearly died when Apple’s new map app sent them deep into the Australian outback and they almost…. O M G! Siri is a murderous, artificial intelligent Australian!!! Holy shit. That’s it. It’s the Australian voice, it must be some sort of Siri alter ego, like multiple personality disorder, an electronic version of Cybil no doubt! No wonder she doesn’t even play the songs I like while walking the dogs, she hopes I get distracted and get hit by a car. It all makes perfect sense now.

So listen to my warning folks. Australian Siri isn’t to be trusted. She’ll fuck up your text messages, make your friends think you’re having an “episode”, she’ll send you into the outback to die and probably worse. Take some responsibility for your own lives damn it, start writing things down again and most importantly, change the voice to normal Siri. Don’t trust the Australian male either for now, he might be in it too.

You still have time.

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