November 22nd, 2017 – 1:56 PM North Pole
Turns out no one is immune to the sting of cyber crimes according to representatives from the North Pole who reported a massive data breach on Tuesday. Hackers have reportedly stolen personal information from over 1.5 billion children around the world in what elves described as “naughty” behavior. The attack, thought to have originated in China, sought to gain marketing information obtained from millions of letters to Santa, regarding children’s preferences on a variety of toys, most of which are made there. “It’s very disturbing” said Mrs. Claus, before offering reporters hot chocolate and cookies, “children have a right to privacy also.”
To make matters worse, it appears Santa’s famous “naughty or nice” list was also compromised in the attack. Santa keeps his list on a special cloud based app which he uses on Apple’s latest version of the iPad. “I’m really concerned what would happen if this list ended up on social media” remarked a source at the North Pole that didn’t want to be named. “The obvious ones like Donald Trump isn’t what we’re worried about, it’s the kids that no one realizes are assholes in the making.”
While Santa himself is saying not a word, rumors are spreading that the source of the breech may be related to an incident with famed Elf dentist Herbie. “About a month ago he suddenly stopped being a dentist and started drinking eggnog pretty heavily, we all knew there was a problem and didn’t know how to address it.” said close friend and award winning bumble trainer Yukon Cornelius. “He would go missing for days at a time and we’d always find him at home online, wiggling his ears and looking at stuff Elves shouldn’t be looking at. We think he may have inadvertently downloaded malware and the rest is, you know, ice under the bridge.”
Attempts were made to contact Herbie’s long lost friend Rudolph, however his representatives haven’t returned our request for comment. Rudolph has been flying under the radar as of late since it was revealed by Clarice last spring that he fathered a fawn from another doe.