It’s been six months since my experience with COVID began, but it has definitely not ended. Yes I’m back in the gym, I’m gaining more lean muscle, and my hair has grown back, yet every day seems to be another struggle to get my life back to normal. I share in the desperation of most on the planet, wanting so very bad to go back to the days of large group gatherings, movie theatres and crowded restaurants, but I also share the experience of having COVID myself… and watching so many still trying to invalidate the very cause of my experience. It’s extremely difficult seeing such a large portion of the population vocally attempt to dismiss your suffering or that of others. The simple experience of seeing an unmasked person in a small ice-cream stores says to me “I don’t care what you went through or how close you came to dying, I’m not going to do anything I don’t want to do.” Every day there are countless examples of people that couldn’t care less about my survival, or that they want to help see this end. Every day there are real word interactions with human beings that are self-centered and just plain ugly on the inside.
I read earlier this week that a British study found that survivors of COVID were more at risk for developing all kinds of brain related health issues such as strokes, dementia, anxiety and depression. This actually made me feel good, since scientifically, someone is attempting to explain and validate what I’m going through. Someone is trying to say “We hear and feel you, it’s important enough for us to take a closer look… you matter.” That’s a significant statement since over 70 million individuals made their stance clear during the last election and subsequent events… “We don’t care about what you went through, our personal freedoms are more important than the lives of hundreds of thousands that have died.” And of course it doesn’t help when members of that camp say things like “I’ve had COVID, it isn’t as bad as they say it is…” instead of professing how lucky they were to survive with minimal impacts to their health. Hearing those kinds of words from people you care about is even worse… it’s crushing.
Like I mentioned earlier I’m back at the gym and I’m exercising, trying to focus on something healthy and positive. I quit going to LA Fitness since they were a constant reminder and a prime example of a business that couldn’t care less if you died. The management there being incredibly passive with patrons that decided not to wear a mask, possibly infecting others in a very warm, moist and poorly ventilated facility. Now I at least feel somewhat looked after when an employee at YouFit tells people they need to wear a mask, and are sometimes met with shouting and bursts of anger. Still, these daily displays and self proclamations of “go fuck yourself” hurt deeply. Sometimes I find it difficult to function… after all, if people have stopped caring about human lives, why even bother?
When I was a kid, radio stations across our entire country simultaneously played the song We Are The World in an attempt to raise awareness about a food crisis in Africa. Millions of people sang together, millions of voices collectively saying “We care and we want to help.” Being exposed to that kind of outpouring of support during my formative years made a huge impact, and seems completely contradictory to what we’ve seen here with over a half million people dead in our country alone. People are actively trying to hurt others, in a effort to display their right to do so. And this kind of “Just wait and see how bad I can fuck you over…” has spilled into open displays of racism, xenophobia and homophobia. Where did all the kindness go that I experienced as a kid growing up? Was I just not seeing what was really out there? It also seems like even the movies of the time were about discovering who you were as a person, or self empowerment… not about constant death and destruction.
“Everyone that has refused to wear a mask, voted for a man that did nothing but deny this disease… and propagated his rhetoric, shares a exponential karmic debt for what they stole from me. I curse them in all directions of time and space, and wish nothing but the total despair and grief they have helped spread. They don’t deserve anything less.”
I lost my mom not even a year ago and she was my biggest fan… an actor’s way of saying my best friend. The TV I purchased for her on mother’s day of 2019 now sits in our home, I still remember the movie we watched together in admiration of the incredible picture. We sat and ate greasy burgers, a love we both shared and enjoyed. It would be the last mother’s day we spent together, COVID robbed me of the experience of doing it again in 2020. Eric suggested we make large signs and do a drive by, but she wasn’t strong enough to come to the window and see them. Everyone that has refused to wear a mask, voted for a man that did nothing but deny this disease… and propagated his rhetoric, shares a exponential karmic debt for what they stole from me. I curse them in all directions of time and space, and wish nothing but the total despair and grief they have helped spread. They don’t deserve anything less.
So yeah, this is me after COVID. I’m tired of seeing all the hate, I’m tired of seeing all the stupidity… I’m just tired. I’m tired that the world doesn’t care enough, that humans have trekked backwards in evolution. I’m tired of feeling tired most of the time, trying desperately to feel the sense of energy I had before all of this. My only hope is that a global awareness will help change things in the end, and that my body and brain will repair itself to not view things in such a dismal and dark point of view. It seems like even my spiritual practice has taken a hit, and I’m not as positive or filled with faith as I used to be. I have glimpses of enormous clarity, which can sometimes last weeks… but in the end, it all fizzles away and reveals a planet that doesn’t care much about anything… except the right to do harm to others.
7 thoughts on “Dealing With Post COVID Depression”
The state of mind you and I and the other commenters describe, is one black and brown people have lived with for years, I think. How many times have they heard “It’s not that bad,” or “You must be imagining it” when they get stopped for “driving while black/ brown” or treated as a potential shoplifters while buying groceries?
I relate. I am so tired of the sneering dismissal of Covid 19. My immediate family has been fortunate—only mild cases. My friends, not as much. But I relate on a different level. I am dealing again with terrible flashbacks, but this time, they are of truly horrible group abuse. Neutral and good parts of my childhood have come back along with it, but the abuse itself is deliberate torture. It blows my mind. But I will be told that I have imagined it by one set of people, or I will be told it proves the truth of Q-Anon by another set. Those with the stamina and ability to walk beside me and demonstrate human compassion as I go through this are few and far between, and I cherish each one. [It’s a difficult walk for those companions too]. For most of society, though, my problem doesn’t exist, and I am lazy, crazy, or in need of Jesus.
Miké, The pandemic has not been easy. We have worried sick about family and friends. We lost people we knew and loved. Many like you got the more serious form of the disease and we are yet to know the consequences of this infection in the long term. This has marked us forever physically and mentally, and we will need time to sort ourselves out of it. I also have faith that by doing the best we can, a higher power will step up with what we cannot control. Much love!
I hear you loud and clear. I’m so glad you made it through. I understand your stance more than you know what you are going through. Though at this point I have escaped COVID I have 3 auto immune diseases that the medical community have basically given up on. So people and medical folks refer to it as a trash can diagnosis. I’m here to tell you I feel what I feel and gave up my life by in large because of it. Because people do not see anything wrong with you, they treat you as though you are insignificant and they dismiss what you are trying to explain to them. They don’t care that your autonomic nervous system is screaming that there is something wrong and no one is listening. They don’t care that your chronic fatigue making you not able to do normal things in life they just say that your a lazy nut case which then leads to depression. I am glad that you shared your story and you are doing better. I always have love and hope in my heart. I have faith in a loving Source, for now this is my normal and I will find some way to move through this time in life and find gratitude in each day. Love and light.